the days are flying... honestly i've gotten to this point where i'm feeling ready to come back home, mostly because 1) the crowds are getting to me, and 2) cigarette smoking.  i've been taking the bus to work just to avoid the mad crowds at the subway station where i transfer. even if it's for those 5 minutes, it's dreadful.  the crowds sort of stress me out.  there's really no pattern to how they walk; i guess in general you're supposed to walk on the left side, as my friend told me... it took me about a week to get used to it, only to find out that nobody abides by that rule.  and, like i previously observed, no one yields to anyone... grown men walk out of the elevator before little old ladies, on a given day at least a few people will cut in front of me where ever i am... it's that blatant kind of cutting that's just plain rude!

and then on the other side of it, customer service is excellent.  servers really kiss your butt here, and in general there's mutual respect and ridiculous politeness by customer and server. and i've really come to appreciate the value of hospitality in korean culture.  i've been taken care of very well because i'm a guest, it's almost a bit overwhelming.

yesterday one of the research assistants took me on a field trip. first we went to a health center in Ilsan, where they're involved with a lot of effective public health programs.  they do direct patient care in all areas, all in one building-- physical therapy, nutrition, dental care, lab, primary care, vaccinations, OB/GYN, health promotion... i noticed everything but mental health... too bad.  the assistant director took care of us, gave us a detailed tour, introducing us to EVERYONE, then took us out to eat.  kimchi jigae!  (my tolerance for spicy things is much better now! finally...) 

there we met a lot of other workers from the city, including one of the leaders of the community, this former lawyer man who ended up ditching his group to eat with us.  he was so down-to-earth and funny, then ordered soju for us... i wasn't sure what the drinking etiquette was, but i quickly learned.  that was the highlight of my day.

afterwards we went to Yonsei University's hospital, Severance.  20+ floors, newly designed (last year), everything-- except pharmacy-- packed into one building.  it was state-of-the-art (whatever that means), beautiful, with plants everywhere, an atrium and rooftop garden overlooking the city, Skylounge on the top VIP floor that looked like a hotel.  apparently small hospitals and clinics aren't surviving here because people want luxury... luxury and convenience.

i had some yummy fresh melon juice and then some green tea at the Skylounge, then a thorough tour of the lab by its supervisors, then my research teammember bought me a souvenir.  the way they treat me makes me feel like a special or honorary guest, even though i'm just a student! i guess it must be how the President feels, being taken care of and watched for whereever he goes, introduced and invited to see what people do... maybe a far-fetched comparison, but not such a bad treat!

i've been eating really well here.  on Tuesday my researcher took the team out to Paju, a very northern city in S. Korea, about 30 minutes from N. Korea.  there's a community called Heyri, where a bunch of artists, musicians, and writers live. they design and build their own homes, and the rule is that when you buy the land, 50% goes to the community.  so half of their home is private, and the other half is public-- usually like an art gallery where people can come and go. my researcher and her husband are building a home there. most houses are still being constructed, but the hope is that if and when Reunification happens-- hopefully sooner than later-- it will be a site of peace and restoration. 

it was kind of weird knowing that just miles away was a whole another world, yet the same.... North Korea.  i so badly wanted to visit the DMZ (they have a bunch of tours here) but it doesn't look like it'll happen. the tours i would want to take are ones that Korean nationals can't go to, and those are the only people i know here.  also, it takes a good chunk of the day, so i couldn't go alone, either.  definately next time. 

to get to Paju you ride on the "Free Road," which is the highway that at its end is the border between the known and unknown, freedom and tight oppression.  it's in the middle of nothing, really.  along the way they've built some buildings, huge for publishing books, and they've even built a city.  Heyri was really something. Still new to people even from here, there's a real sense of the arts, giftedness, peace, beauty... 

we had lunch at this place called Foresta, Western-influenced.  food was so good.  each menu package option is named after a tree or something like it, the one i got was "Oak."  i had some corn cream soup, roasted chicken and veggies, and vanilla sherbet on top of tiny pieces of watermelon and pears.  we drove around the area a little (too hard to walk, things are pretty far from each other, and still under construction)  there was the English Village, which was inspired by buildings in the UK, and apparently people only speak english there. (i wonder if they speak it with a british accent though)  

later we had tea at another unique building that had won some international architecture award.  it was also the home of some famous korean musician, Hwang something... i didn't know who he was, and the team members i was with said it's because i'm too young (he's in his 60's)  had some yummy green ice tea, sweetened to perfection.

i was really thankful that my researcher took us on this field trip.  i'm so spoiled here. she really went through hoops so that she could take me before i left.  korean hospitality is amazing.. but she's pretty much the cream of the crop.

lunch here is different every day... it's self-serve, but the ladies cooking pretty much do all the work.  it's cafeteria-style, which plastic trays, but the food tastes better than home-cooked.  the institute gives us food for free, and dinner-- for those who work late-- is 1,000 won, which is about $1.  today they went japanese-style and served mo moo noodels, i guess they were thick buckwheat noodles with some sushi-thing i've eaten before but don't know the name. 

every afternoon my researcher takes a break with me, and we end up talking about life, family, culture, society... instant coffee is pretty good here, though i'm not picky.  it comes in a pack shaped like a tube, already sweetened, and you just add hot water. we have it with crackers or korean sweet snacks. around then is when i need a siesta...

defeat.. and a not-so-perfect analogy

this morning i found out that one of my teens from dorchester got shot and killed over the weekend.  my co-worker emailed me and asked me to call her..  the funny thing is, i immediately had the feeling.  she didn't even tell me what it was about but asked me to call her.  i could only think that it was N... and i was right.  it's left a really crampy feeling in me, partly because it hasn't sunk in since i'm so far away.  it's such a different feeling than when patients of mine from the hospital died... neither is good, both are extremely sad, but when someone is murdered, it just leaves a different kind of mark than when one dies from cancer.

the last time i saw N she gave me a big hug and told me "i want you to come back in one piece."  we had purposely scheduled this visit so that we could see each other before i left for korea. we were really close. she was 19... always involved in high-risk activities, with the wrong people... got herself out of it, but some of these youth just can't stay out of it. it's their life, and it's all they know... it surrounds them, and they can't survive apart from it. ironically, it's what killed her. 

recently i've been thinking of continuing school when i finish this year.  my thinking is that higher prestige in this field gives you more power, and only having power will create any systemic change.  especially in these last weeks helping with health research has gotten me interested... but nothing compares to that one-to-one direct contact with patients; i don't think i can give it up.  sure, i would love to be involved with policy changes that help masses of people... but nothing compares to having a personal relationship with one of those people, like N. 

even if i could change the very system that doomed her her life, there's nothing like having gotten to share thoughts with her, watching her grow and fall, and run to me with the thrilling news that she passed her standardized test, sink down when she got back into drugs, laugh at the things that depressed her because she didn't know how else to deal, prance around in her pink heels like she thought she was pretty but not fully believing how truly beautiful she was.  i'd tell her routinely how much more worth she had than the things she was doing, and she would agree, but i don't think she really knew it. 

i guess today reminded me of why i love what i do, because i love the people i get to meet... but i can't help but to feel defeated today.  not because i think i could have changed the outcome of her life... i used to think that with my cancer patients.  but because i think that maybe her death-- her murder-- takes a piece of me away, like i've lost to something... like i've surrendered.  because part of accepting that you couldn't have really done anything to change something bad is like surrendering to that truth, acknowledging a defeat.  maybe not my defeat, or loss that i caused, but my giving up of something i would rather have than what is given.

maybe in a really extreme way it's like being in game 6 of the western conference semi-finals, spurs vs. mavs.  (ok, really extreme way)  yeah, tim duncan could have hit more free throws, ginobili could have made that last shot that would have won then game, instead of taking the team into overtime, during which they were crushed.  but even as each individual player might at some points believe they could have done one more thing to win the game, really, they couldn't... not single-handedly-- not even if you're kobe. so each one, in the end, has to accept the fact that he individually couldn't have done anything to change the outcome... so it's this surrender to that fact, but still leaves him defeated.

weekend part 2: mystery

sunday night i did it... i went to the public bath/ sauna.  now in ordinary circumstances i would have no problem with the public bath. it was actually something i was looking forward to, and i had good memories of it from my last trip.  this time, everyone kept raving about "jjim jim bang"s, public saunas, that i got mentally prepared for that, where you're given a t-shirt and shorts to wear, supposedly hang out a couple of hours, drink some cold drinks, and go.  i didn't know the two were in one now.

so when i thought we were going to the jjim jim bang (the sauna) i didn't prepare myself for the public bath part.  so it took me a few minutes to adjust to the fact that i was in the locker room and needed to strip down, and share baths with some 50+ other naked women.  the public baths are very interesting. i think the last time i did it, i didn't have the consciousness to think of how totally unsanitary it is.  it's probably one of the most unsanitary things you could be involved with.  needless to say, it didn't stop me from enjoying it.  after the initial unfamiliar feeling of being exposed and self-conscious, it became a natural, "this is normal" sort of experience, mostly because no one else made it a big deal.  i was with my two cousins, who were completely at ease with the whole process, and everyone else seemed too consumed in themselves to notice me. 

after the bathing part, you put on your uniform-- the t-shirt and shorts-- and everyone all of a sudden looks the same.  there's the public area that's the size of a gymnasium, and looks like one, but the oddest thing is that people treat it like it's their living room.  you see random people laying on the hard floor, couples cuddling, people watching big-screen tv.  on another end there are people getting manicures, massages.. and then there's the dining area.  no wonder people could spend 12 hours there (after 12 hours, you have to pay more).  then of course are the individual dry saunas, which in themselves are an experience.

what i liked the most about the sauna is that with so many people there (i heard it's a great date spot) there's some mysterious feeling of community... last night they were showing one of the popular korean dramas on one of the big screens, and multitudes of people gathered on the floor, like a living room, to watch.  there aren't really any physical boundaries, either... complete strangers sit next to you like you came together, like 100 of  you've all been invited to a mutual friend's house, and join in on conversations like everyone's welcome. 

i'm still processing the experience...

weekend part 1: irony

weekend flew by...

saturday morning got my hair done with jennifer.  got something called "coating" or "gloss" or "hair manicure", i don't know which is right.  i'm not really sure what it did, but i had them add some color too, so my hair's darker now.  supposedly it's shinier and healthier, too, and that's the point of it, but i don't think i can tell the difference.  anyway, it was worth being pampered for a little while and having my scalp massaged :)

that night went to see my family... it was the anniversary of the death of my oldest uncle, who died like 15 years ago.  i basically went to see people, my family doesn't make a huge deal of it, but the men of the family participate in the ceremony each year.  it was my first time witnessing the cermony... maybe in the past i would've felt a little spooked with all the bowing and lighting the paper and incense, and the chanting... but i actually felt comfortable being there.  as only an observer to my family's traditions, i still felt like i belonged there, even though i didn't agree with the custom.

the house is in Cheunho-dong, where i heard prostitutes gather (then again, where do they not gather). it felt kind of like how i felt in Jeom chon, at the house my mom grew up in-- with sort of scary memories, but this time feeling like i can crush the trauma from the past... because i felt bigger. 

i got to see 2 of my aunts, my mom's younger sisters, who never age.  the youngest aunt was always the coolest, the tall, lean, beautiful one who sometimes acted younger than me.  she was always so trendy, this time wearing her faded jeans with glitter and jewels.   her voice is identical to my mom's... the other aunt used to look just like my mom, but this time i didn't see the resemblance so much...  she looked smaller and younger, while my mom is normal and looks older.  it was really weird, cuz then my youngest uncle came, and he looked 10 years younger than the last time i saw him, which was 7 years ago.  such a weird phenomenon.  my weh-soo-mo (deceased uncle's wife) is turning 60 this week, and she looks the same as she did when i was 13.  i didn't know what was happening, except that my oldest cousin, who's about 10 years older than me, aged significantly... and also smokes like a chimney.

so everyone said i look exactly the same as i did in high school, which was a little discouraging, since i was profoundly chubbier back then. well, if i were to choose between wrinkles/ sagging/ aging 10 years and chub, i might pick chub.  maybe... depends on how much... back in high school i was about 15 pounds heavier.  well, it's a toss up.

still, it was nice to hear that i haven't changed much, especially when none of them, besides my smoking cousin, had.  on top of it all, my aunt handed me a wad of korean cash, to which i refused to take at first... it made me feel like i was a little kid, even though when i was a kid, family never gave me money.  i guess that's the irony.  when i was a kid, they treated me well, but i never was handed money like that.  this time, as a working adult, albeit one who looks 10 years younger, am being forced to receive it.  so i took it... and my other aunt opened up her pocketbook and started pulling out cash... this time i told her no, mostly because i felt she was doing it out of peer pressure, so she just gave me half and told me to buy a cute "t-shirt."

the next day i took the subway to southern Seoul and visited the other side of the family, my dad's cousin and his family.  i had just seen them over Christmas, they're my favorite people... my uncle had gone to UT back in the 80's, so when my family moved from California, we went to Texas because of him. 

when i got there, my uncle's wife (ja geun umma) made me some tomato-yogurt juice which was so good. (they love tomatoes here)  and then we went to pick up my grandfather for lunch.  i was a little traumatized the last time i saw my grandfather.. it was when i visited Seoul 7 years ago, he had reprimanded me for not coming to see him first thing when i came.  so when he asked me how long i'd been here this time, i was gonna lie and say "yesterday," but out of my good conscience instead i said "2 weeks." 

now i noticed my grandfather was a lot more smiley than i'd ever seen him, and his smile got nicer... kind of with that warmth and sense of contentment with life.  i enjoyed spending time with him because of this.  my mom had told me that he has a girlfriend, and is now a christian.  pretty funny, because after all the trying by my family to get him to believe in Jesus, he never budged... until he met this girlfriend of his who goes to church.. and through it, now believes.

he asked me if i had a boyfriend, because it was time for me to marry, how old am i, etc... first family member to hassle me, surprisingly.  i said no, not right now, and he told me not to lie. later he made me pinky-promise that i would marry a korean, and so i did, with my legs crossed.  haha... after lunch (seafood pa jun, noodles, and korean hot-pot-like thing) we went back to his apartment, and i was so amazed that he could live by himself, on the 10th floor, in such good condition. i guess he had lived alone for so long, but near his son's family, maybe he likes it like that. maybe he likes the privacy he gets with his girlfriend.

then it was time to leave, and he gives me this envelope of money.  what the... how could i refuse from my grandfather, so i, feeling about 10 years old, accepted.  then my ja geun umma, half of twin cousin, and i, went shopping... to do girl things, she said.  at the bus station, she hands me this envelope and says it's from my uncle, so that i can buy something nice. 

i think, after this weekend, that the conclusion is this:  travel to see extended family by yourself, and you reap all the benefits that you would otherwise have to share, if you went with a parent, sibling, husband, etc.